Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
