Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
