What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
