you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
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