Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
