I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Everyone says I win the strip club
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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