I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
