"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
