At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
