I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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