he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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