i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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