Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
The air taste purple.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
