cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
