Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize