that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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