I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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