we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
