i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
