first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
