and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
