Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
