the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
