How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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