So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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