I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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