I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
