its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
The power of my boobs compel you
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
