I want to walk on stilts...naked
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
What drink are we having for lunch?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
