People with herpes should wear stickers.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
