Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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