My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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