I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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