PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
whose ass print is on the piano?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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