I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
