I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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