I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Swine flu. Run for my life!
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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