You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Randomize
