We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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