I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
