morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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