Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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