I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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