areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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