I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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