Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
