If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
