like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
