I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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