he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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