Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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