Farmville is her only friend.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize