this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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