nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
