I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
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