When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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