Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
