need another drink. this is the easiest way
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
