Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
