I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
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