The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
