Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
