you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
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