we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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