Pants 0. Shit 1.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
