6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
