On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
